Old hopes for a new year

2012 is tomorrow and I can't help but wonder if I am ready to leave 2011 behind. The year seems to pass so fast I don't know if I had lived it to the fullest. But I survived it. And I know I had good things directed my way. I don't intend to dwell on how 2011 has been, if I were to sum up 2011 in a few words, it would be 'fast and furious' because it is indeed very fast and the ride throughout had been furious. I've learnt my lessons.

So. For 2012 I hope to make it a more exciting year and I pray that opportunities will come my way. I wish to give more to others  and try to be happy. Really really happy, that is. I want to lead a simple and carefree life. I want to be positive and optimistic about things. I really want to step out of my cistern which I have so carefully built, and be able to take risks. I want to do something. I want to try something different, something which will bring me contentment; something which I can prove myself. And I hope to mend all friendships which I have neglected, buddies which I have taken granted of by making distance an excuse though they are all just a call away. I wish to be a better friend. 

May 2010 be kind and let's hope that it will be a more thrilling journey. Happy 2010!

Ulat Bulu

Saya tahu membezakan bila seorang lelaki itu hanya sekadar mengusik atau pun menggatal.

Bukanlah nak kata saya ni perasan, tapi mana-mana perempuan yang berada di tempat saya dan mengalami apa yang saya alami ini first-hand pasti setuju bila saya katakan yang lelaki yang sorang memang nak menggatal.

Saya tidak kisah kalau ada lelaki sms2 saya, biasalah nak berkawan. Saya ni tidaklah jual mahal. But when things started even so wrongly, you instantly knew that this guy is in for something. Saya tahu bila orang tu miang gatal bila sms sudah berbaur kegedikan dan membahasakan diri ‘I-you’. Padahal baru berjumpa pertama kali. Dan bagaimana dia dapat nombor saya, saya pun tidak tahu.

Dan yang paling buat saya menyampah geli-geleman ialah lelaki gatal sorang ni sudah berkahwin dan sudah pun mempunyai seorang anak. Bayangkan. Tidak putus-putus sms masuk seperti seorang yang sangat desperate nampaknya.

Saya terus katakan yang saya tidak selesa nak bersms dengan dia dan mengharapkan dia faham (Terfikir juga di benak fikiran bila saya tulis begitu dia fikir lain pulak. Nanti dia start calling2, lagi parah since I said I was not comfortable smsing with him). Nak tau apa dia balas? “Okay, I tak ganggu you, tapi I suka tengok you”.

Memang dasar lelaki miang gatal tak sedar diri.

How to Make the Most of Every Day

1. Stop worrying about things that may or may not happen in the future, and enjoy today.
2. Appreciate the people, things and opportunities you have in your life.
3. Be kinder than necessary, because everyone we meet is fighting some kind of battle.
4. Ask yourself, "what I want to do today" and go after it!
5. Do something just for you. Put yourself first!
6. Try your hardest at everything you do. Even when things don't work out, you'll  know you gave your all.
7. Focus on the positivity.
8. Say "THANK YOU" as often as you can.
9. Do something nice for someone else for no reason at all.
10. Tell people how much they mean to you. Dont Wait!

Catch My Fall

I really want to write an entry about how one should never make a person fall in love, when they can't catch that person's fall. all of them left me, you know. all of them. they left me for other girls, god knows who, and they left me because i was suddenly not "the one". when all along, they were making me fall for them. they promised me so many things that only stupid people like me would believe. they made it look like they loved me, when in truth, they didn't. and i see these things donkey years after they have left. why is it that i'm such a psychopath; until i can't see things as they are? why can't i sense that things are wrong when they just are? why is it that i refuse to see things in a bad light when it's so obvious that they're bad. why? because i always believe that they are way too nice to not catch my fall. that's why. they all leave and later come back, regretting, but what difference does it make, when they blow their second chance? all they do is let me fall, when they can't be there to catch me.

 

agree to disagree

It’s not easy to anger me. It’s not even easy to hurt me. But it doesn’t mean it’s utterly impossible.

I was more hurt earlier in the day, but I guess I’ve been able to shut it out somehow. I guess I don’t wonder why I am the way I am no more. Perhaps, just perhaps, I’ve been doing it all wrong, butting my nose where it needs no butting. Perhaps, I should just stop doing whatever I am doing because I just don’t know anymore.

I am not all that great of a person. Better still, I’m far from perfect. I guess that’s why we all live in this world symbiotically; leaning on each other for things we are unable to do or feel ourselves. I guess that’s why we’re all made with feelings and conscience and a heart that functions.

I do not understand many things, and at this point, I would perhaps stick with my stand to agree to disagree. I may not be the best person to judge the situation, but I have had that tiny organ inside of me ripped into pieces before. No heart surgeon could ever mend it. I have seen many others including yours ripped into tiny non-existent molecules. I have seen it all. And I do not plan to see any more coming.

I shall reiterate the fact that I do not understand a million and one things. I am not a great person and the rest of the people in the world around us are not all that great either. But we do our best because we can’t help but care for those we obviously care for. I was made to feel like I never did enough to deserve some credit for simply being there. Call me emotional, but I do try even if it seems like I don’t. I don’t want to think about it, but I see it all coming back to me. I’ve seen it all, and I don’t want to see it again.

It's Your Love...

Sometimes, you have to be apart from from people you love, but that doesn't make you love them less. Sometimes, you love them more. So, here for my loved ones, you know who you are. Remember, no matter how far I am from you guys, my love for you will never cease.

It's Your Love

Dancin' in the dark
Middle of the night
Takin' your heart
And holdin' it tight

Emotional touch
Touchin' my skin
And askin' you to do
What you've been doin' all over again

Oh, it's a beautiful thing
Don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know
What it is that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does somethin' to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
oh It's your love

Better than I was
More than I am
And all of this happened
By takin' your hand

And who I am now
Is who I wanted to be
And now that we're together
I'm stronger than ever
I'm happy and free

Oh, it's a beautiful thing
Don't think I can keep it all in, no
And if you asked me why I changed
All I gotta do is say your sweet name

It's your love
It just does somethin' to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
oh It's your love

Oh, it's a beautiful thing
Don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know
What it is that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does somethin' to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
oh It's your love
It's your love
It's your love

Three Words For You...

I can't believe after almost two years, I still experience this butterflies whenever I'm meeting him.  That whenever he flashes that smile of his, I blush and my heart drums so loud my chest feels like exploding. Wow!

I don't know what you do babe, but I am so in love with you. And I am amazed by you

Emo. Emotions. Emotional

We are humans born with emotions. Emotions colour our lives and emotions make us human so to speak.

We laugh because we're happy. Because we're tickled by some things which we think is funny.

We cry not only because we're sad or down, or because we're hurt, but also because miracles do happen. That He does answers our prayers.

We get angry because we're mad or because we don't get get what we want.

What I'm trying to say is, our emotions are perfectly mould to the right occassions and the right circumstances.

But I don't blame people when their moods gone wrong and they can get a liltle bit emotional. That they get angry more than they should be. That crying is deemed more appropriate than trying to laugh out at their problems. I can absolutely understand that. After all, it's personal. Everyone 's gone through that. I've been through it, too.

However, what I don't get is why would you lash others just because you're having a hard time with yourself or God- knows- what? It makes people feel so offended. And, it's not the first time, thank you. It's been countless times already that it's left me clueless with your attittude. We're not born to put up with your with your unforeseen tornado.

Please don't let me lose my patience because I gotta tell you it's wearing thin.

Stop being so emo. It makes you inhumane.

Change, is it?

We always say that people change. She has changed. He has changed. S has changed. I mean, if we really care, we'd stop and ponder about this "change" we so often blurt out whenever our close acquaintances, friends or relatives, show the signs.

That we're not on the same wavelength, we don't go to the usual place anymore, or our opinions differ for that matter.

Often, we hear married people after years of being married to one another, living together complaining how their spouses have changed. I mean, really? Because if we really care to stop and ponder, people don't change as time goes by, but time reveals  of who they really are.

So yes, think about it. We don't change, but our true colours begin to emerge and that is the revelation.

HWTT

"I may not have even half of your experience. But at least I know that I have at least twice your conscience".

I'm young. I'm driven. I love working. I love my job.

By the " standard definition", I don't fit in as a Government Servant very well.

Because aren't Government Servants supposed to be lazy and stupid?

Well, I admit to a certain extent, I don't blame the public for thinking that, but that is most definitely something I intend to change.

But, it kills me. It kills me to change a cultur which has been there since time immemorial. Like someone wise once said, " Its like trying to push a huge rock, which refuses to move".

There are still many free riders. Still many people who don't care much for their work. Or have no pride in the things they produce.

Granted, those things aren't so important around here. The only assessment is the Year End Assessment. Which, if you excel at, would only improve your morale. Not your pay, nor bonus.

Because around here, everyone is treated equally, irrespective of their performance. Or contribution.

So, when your actions do not hurt your pocket, it's something not worth the headache, right?

But, it's something which hurts others. It hurts other's youth. Others' personal time. Others' right to spend quality time with their family without worrying that they might have to rush back and check their emails.

While we have been  taught that it is important to respect the elder, when the elder think lightly if their responsibilities, to me, they can kiss their respect from me goodbye.

I don't think I would hesitate to give them a piece of my mind the next time I see them.

Because to me, no matter how idealistic it is, everyone should know their place in the world.

We've all a role to play. If you don't play yours, I have to take over.

It's not that I don't want to learn. It's also not because I hate my job. How many times have I mentioned that I love my job?

Did you think I was being sarcastic?

The very thing I am doing right now is to take it all like a sponge. A bottomless one, if you like.

"High Work Tolerance Threshold" is plastered to my head,

And that's the very thing people use against me.

There are times when all I want to do is act dumb, play stupid.

And trust me, even that's an effort on my part.

I simply cannot. It makes my head ache. More than alot of work does.

Sometimes, I don't know how some people can live with themselves.

But, maybe, just maybe, the system is to blame.

Because it lets those people get away. It condones.

Because there are people like me who don't mind doing the job at a much lower pay.

If you think Government Servant have it easy, they most certainly don't.

The next time you feel like saying something foul about Government Servants, think twice. And twice again.

Think of me and how i had to the office on Sunday morning. Think of me and how I stayed in the office until midnight to get our work done.

And of course, I never meant to get personal. But each time ou think it's fine or even fun to condemn a Government Servant, think again.

Think of me and everything I said. The reason why I'm still here is because of my HWTT. And because I believe that if someone had to change the way things worked, it could be me.

Specially Dedicated

Bad day, down time, messy mind, negative energy, losing belief, self- worth draining, giving up.


But it takes a minute, by one who knows me well, to pull me up, make me laugh, and soon I feel like I'm walking tall again.


Tell me, what should I do without you?


Much Love
xxxxxxxxx

Its not there

Lately, I don't feel fulfilled- or maybe I've finally realised that I don't accomplish much. This bareness I'm feeling makes me anxious, makes me want to venture more but I can't quite unveil the vagueness.

I wish I am more of an opportunist. I know that I can do so much by just stepping out of my cistern. But I don't. And they say, things won't come dropping from the sky by just wishing. You have to work for it - and that's the root of all my problems.

I have been grappling too. On quite a number of things, actually. Makes me wonder whether I have sidetracked that much. I yearn for something. I long for that hole to be filled in. I miss that soothing feeling that pulls me back, whenever I know I have gone a tad too far astray.

I want that familiar contentment. Where is it, I wonder?

Familiar Fantasy

You have an image of driving, but simply driving away. To drive and then to stop. To a motel, to another city, another state probably. Anonymity. Freedom.

It is a fantasy, one so familiar because you've had such ever since you were twenty. It's just that you've never indulged in it, never once gotten into a car and driven just to see where the road would take you, stopping when you want to, no destination, no time constraints. There have been moments in your life when such a thing might have been arranged.

And yet you have never done it.

Lines

Strangely Some lines are not drawn. But I guess that's not because they aren't there, but simply because they are to be understood. But, when undrawn lines were not seen, how does someone redraw that line so that it becomes crystal clear? That's the thing. Some people are just so oblivious that some things hurt. Or maybe it's not obvious that it does?

Some people might think nothing of something, yet those things might mean the world to others. I'm at that stage where the simplest of things rile me and when my undrawn lines are crossed, its very difficult to certain my patience. It becomes even more difficult to make sense of anything.

Gratitude

Asking for help doesn't come easily for me, so you'd better believe that, if I actually do make a request, I've exhausted all other options. Normally, I would try my best to sort whatever it is myself before turning to others. I don't feel great about making myself beholden to people when I know I can do it myself. That's just who I am.

Having said that, it is no surprise that when I need help, I don't really know how to. Stringing suitable words prove to be difficut as I'm not used to it. Sigh!

Dearest You

Dearest You,

I always take time. I take time to learn something, I take time to do something, as most of the time I will only do things that I like first, I take time to search for lost things, I take time to heal, and also, I take time to love. I always take my own sweet time where all these things are concerned. I do things I love the most first, and the rest will be done at my own sweet time.

I told you; I take time to love. I take so long that at times, by the time I’m actually in love, that person is gone, long gone.

I’m glad you’re here to know what I feel right now. I’m so glad you aren’t gone, and that you were patient enough to know that this feeling can exist, will exist, even if I do take my own sweet time.

You should know one thing though, that I never did intentionally take time. I just do. Don’t know why.

I came to realize, like really realize that I can never do without you the last time you came. For some reason, I felt closer to you than ever. I don’t know if it was the distance the entire month before that made me feel that way, but it definitely felt better; stronger.

I guess I came to realize that we were more than just a couple; and that we are actually friends. Good friends, in fact. I came to realize that there were so many things we could talk about and that we could talk everyday, and it still didn’t bore us; or at least I wasn’t bored anyway. I also realized that despite the constant arguments and bickering sessions we had and still have; we do really care about each other.

I guess I’ve known that I love you for quite some time now. But of late, I just discovered how much. And now, I want you to know.

Love, Me

On an awesome quote:

I was struck by this when I watched Madagascar.

"Listen Moto, Moto. You better treat this lady like a queen because you my friend, you found yourself the perfect woman. It I was ever so lucky to find the perfect women, I would give her flowers, everyday and not just flowers, okay? Her favourites are orchids, white and breakfast in bed... Six loaves of wheat toast with butter on both sides, no crust. The way she likes it.

I'd be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend and I'd spend everyday trying to think of how to make her laugh. She has the most, most amazing laugh. Well. that's what I would do if I were you.

All of it coming out from the mouth of a giraffe. It was awesome. Worth seeing the film just for that.:)

Daddy

I love You, Dad

What can you say to someone who has always been one of the essential parts of your world?

 Someone who took you by the hand when you were little and helped to show the way?

What do you say to someone who stood by to help you grow providing love, strength and support?

So, you could become the person you are today?

What can you say to let him know that he's the best there is?

And that you hope you've inherited some of his wisdom and his strength?

What words would you say if you ever got the chance?

Maybe just say, I love you, Dad.

And hope he understands.

Mama

Dearest Mama,


I really wished that we had more time...
I really wished that life weren't so hectic...
And I really that we could just sit, look at each other and talk like we always do..


Mama, you are close to heart although I dont always tell you
Mama, I'm sorry that I hurt you sometimes...
Mama, thank you for your patience...
Mama, I will never be even half as good as you are..
Mama, I don't know what I'll do without you...
I'm sorry I'm bad sometimes though I try very hard not to be..

I love you ma, I really do.....

Brains on Fire

Been sneezing like anything these past few days. Sigh! Really hoping to get rid of my flu by tomorrow. So, what have I been up to lately?


I still have abundance of work to finish. I'm not going to write about it here. At least not today. I'm taking a break from everything LGM. Just thinking of work makes me shudder and....well, slump.


You know what? I really believe that being positive gives you greater positivity in return. My life has been full of struggles, and no matter how many falls, dissapointment and tears I had to go through, I am proud to have always tried my best and let Allah decide. For any of you who is feeling down at the moment, please believe me that everything happens for a reason, a reason we might not understand at this point of time, but is actually the best for our lives. Stay positive and the universe will multiply that positivity for you.


 Till then, Nadhyrah, remember that " Whether its a heart attack or heartbreak, just like Broadway, the show must go on"!